"If I don't believe in solipsism, who will?" - Al Batt

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Big Thanks to Big Mikey

I would like to thank Dr. Micheal White for this. For the single Canadian reader that I'm aware of, do not worry, I will be a stern, but fair master:

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. 

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)


Anonymous said...

i only know one Canadian as well. She is very beautiful, but not the best cook or housekeeper--so I am not really sure I even want to own her. I'm asking the heavenly master if I could have a trial ownership period.


Gunnar Berg said...

Women - American, Canadian:

Better to be the "ownee", clean house yourself and eat out as much as possible.

Steve Grimmer said...

I thought I was the only Canadian reader. I'm not beautiful, especially now that I am wearing my fishing beard, but can cook well. I'd do a trial period if there was enough beer and access to the bikes.

steve in Winnipeg

Gunnar Berg said...

Trial period? You really don't grasp slavery do you? Plenty of bikes, plenty of beer, mostly dark ales, no lagers. So, whatda think you're worth - C$ ?

Anonymous said...

Another Canadian Reader here... you can't own us, but you're welcome to buy our oil and gas!
Oh, and buy the way, I hate to be a killjoy but the text was taken verbatim from an episode of the West Wing. I can't recall which season, but it is definitely Josaiah Bartlett.

Allan Pollock

Gunnar Berg said...

I don't want your oil and gas, I want your health care system. I was aware of your C status, but Steve was a lurker. Winnipeg is really almost more Minnesota than Canada anyway, though he might dispute that.

Or the West Wing borrowed it from James Kauffman.

Steve Grimmer said...

Yah, pretty much like NW Minnesota, or don't cha know. I think we got more flat land and more lakes, both, and better fishing too. But we pay for the health care with beer taxes, so there's still a few reasons to head south, time to time.

Margadant said...

Surprisingly, inserting the answer "yes" to all of these questions produces a pretty satisfactory result.