Thursday, July 21, 2011
Let Them Eat Cake
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A group of GOP congressmen calling themselves The Mob of Nine have added a new wrinkle to the ongoing budget negotiations as they put forth a proposal today that would replace Social Security with letting people eat cake.
Their proposal, contained in a bill called the National Cake-Eating Act of 2011, would substitute seniors’ monthly Social Security check with what they called “an easy-to-follow cake recipe.”
“Right now, it’s hard to find a consensus about how to cut the national debt,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis). “But one thing’s clear: everybody enjoys a good piece of cake.”
But even as the group put forth their proposal, their was dissension among The Mob of Nine about how large the pieces of cake that people were to eat should be, with Rep. Ryan leading the faction who favors a sliver rather than a slice.
“When we say piece of cake, we mean a very, very small piece of cake,” Mr. Ryan said. “We’re not talking about a Newt Gingrich piece of cake.”
Rep. Ryan also warned fellow GOP House members against supporting the so-called Gang of Six bipartisan budget proposal: “If you support that, I must warn you, you are flirting with reasonableness.”
He said that to pass muster with Tea Party members in the House, any budget proposal would have to pass the Tea Party litmus test: “That means it must be 100% free of logic or math.”
In other political news, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) said her migraine headaches would not hinder her ability to lead: “I can go for months without using my brain.”