Monday, February 27, 2012

A Proposed Reorganization of the United States

I've listening to all this crap about southern states trying to outlaw abortion through the back door with laws requiring "transvaginal ultrasound" and other procedures trying to shame women as they invade their rights and bodies. This the final straw. These redneck S.O.B.s aren't worth it. A few years ago I stole the following from a friend, who stole it from his friend, who got it from his cousin. At this point, it is certainly something to consider:
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMD’s turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States


Oldfool said...

You think I should move?
I would but I have found the people in the blue states to be as stupid as those in this red state and many just as fat. Besides I'm old and I have this garden I'm trying to make. I am very acquainted with the mosquitoes but it rains a lot and as long as the Mississippi flows I have water. As for weed it's cheap and that is what gardens are for.

I think those Republican idiots that profess to know God personally but have a obsessive interest in sex of all kinds just aren't getting enough. Those pro-lifers that vote for war to send the kids to and the death penalty then want to look up a woman's vagina to help her make a decision. Pro-life my ass. I think the same probe should be used up their butt every time they renew their Viagra prescription. Idiots. Now I'm mad.

Not everyone in the South is a stupid redneck just most everyone.

Gunnar Berg said...

Sorry Richard, We gotta cut you loose. If the people in the north are as stupid at least they don't legislate it.

Oldfool said...

I came here hoping to upgrade the gene pool but I have found the area to be so completely stupid and ignorant that it totally rejects any improvements. I even brought my grandsons father but that was no improvement as he fit right in. I call it intelligence resistant. I am so buried in Redness here that my vote does not even count.
Our only hope is that more Latinos move in. At least they can tell when they are being crapped on.

Gunnar Berg said...

There is a certain charm to it.

Silk Hope said...

You only get the beach half of the state. The Eastern half is just/or more Republican than Oklahoma. Remember the dust bowl. The Okies all moved here.

Mr. Hope (Big Red)

Gunnar Berg said...

Lorna's relatives are on the edge of Orange County. They's pretty Republican folks.

Gunnar Berg said...

Also @ Silk, I don't necessarily think the issue is with thinking Republicans. The issue is with ignorance, anti-science and anti-education.

Tom G. said...

No offense, but I am as sick of the red staters, as I am of the blue ones. I'm just gonna divorce all you bastards and go live in the woods.

Gunnar Berg said...

Canada or Bust!