WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The U.S. policy of exporting democracy abroad has meant that there is very little of it left at home.
That is the grim assessment of a new study commissioned by the University of Minnesota, which predicts that if the U.S. continues to export democracy at its current pace it may completely run out of it at home by the year 2015.
“We have been exporting democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq while there are severe shortages of it in Wisconsin and Florida,” said Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study. “This is madness.”
Citing the study, Speaker of the House John Boehner said today, “It has been clear to me for some time that we must explore alternative forms of government, such as oligarchy or plutocracy.”
Noting that democracy originated in Greece, Mr. Boehner added, “We must reduce our dependence on foreign sources of government.”
The University of Minnesota study contains several proposals, such as outsourcing the U.S. government to the world’s largest democracy, India.
“The work done by Congress could be accomplished much more efficiently by a series of electronic phone prompts,” the study recommends.
But Mr. Boehner warned that eliminating Congress entirely would have disastrous effects: “That would destroy entire sectors of our economy, especially the prostitution industry.”
Speaking from one of the states hardest hit by the democracy shortage, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker downplayed the seriousness of the problem, calling democracy “overrated.”
“Teachers may teach our children that democracy is important,” he said, “but the solution is to get rid of the teachers.”